Ye Can’t Heal Stupid, Play Smarter So Yer Cleric Survives Too

Dec 18

By Bahlin’s bent fork, I’ve lost count o’ the times I’ve heard it: “Don’t worry, the cleric’ll heal me.”
Oh, will they now?
Aye, because nothin’ says teamwork like gettin’ flattened in the first round and expectin’ someone else to burn their spell slots savin’ yer reckless hide.

Lad, ye can’t heal stupid.
No potion cures bad decisions. No spell restores common sense.

If ye keep standin’ in dragon breath, fightin’ trolls alone, or wanderin’ off mid-battle to “check that chest,” then ye ain’t playin’ a hero — ye’re playin’ a cautionary tale.

The Myth of the Healing Machine

Ye know the lie every fool believes? That the cleric’s a walkin’ health potion.
“Stay close to the healer,” they say, “They’ll fix everything.”

Aye, right up until the healer takes a club to the skull ‘cause they ran outta spell slots savin’ ye.
Then who’s patchin’ them, eh? The bard? The wizard? The goblin ye didn’t kill ‘cause ye were too busy collectin’ loot?

I’ll tell ye plain: a good cleric’s a blessing, not a crutch.
The best way to keep ‘em alive is to stop makin’ them regret preparin’ cure wounds in the first place.

👉 If ye still think a cleric’s job is to chase ye ‘round like a nursemaid, go re-educate yerself with Yer Cleric Ain’t a Walkin’ Health Potion.
And while ye’re at it, learn how not to ruin yer healer’s night in Stop Forgettin’ What Yer Character Can Do.

How to Keep Yer Healer Alive (and Actually Happy)

Stay Within Reach.
If the cleric’s shoutin’ “Come back here!” more than the GM’s describin’ monsters, yer playin’ wrong.
Step close, fool — the light o’ healing don’t stretch forever.
Carry Yer Own Damn Potions.
Healing ain’t charity. Buy yer own supplies instead o’ bleedin’ on the priest’s sandals every fight.
Don’t Assume They’ll Save Ye.
Sometimes, the smart move’s lettin’ ye fall. If the cleric’s got better things to do — like keepin’ the rest alive — accept it.
Protect the Healer.
Ye see somethin’ ugly runnin’ at the cleric? Drop what ye’re doin’ and intercept. They can’t heal if they’re paste.
Stop Jumpin’ into Damage for Glory.
A good story’s not “I died brave.” It’s “I lived smart.”

If every fool in a party treated their healer like gold instead o’ a wet rag, half the campaigns I’ve seen would’ve lasted twice as long.

A Story from the Old Days

Long ago, in a campaign so cursed we still don’t speak its name, I had a cleric named Elia. Bright lass. Brave as iron.
Problem was, the rest o’ the group thought bravery meant stupidity. They’d charge headlong into every trap, and she’d spend her nights burnin’ through prayers to keep ‘em breathin’.

One day, mid-battle, she just stopped. Dropped her mace, looked at the sky, and said, “Mike, I’m outta spells.”
And that was that. The party fell like wet parchment.

She didn’t die, mind ye — she watched.
Then she looted their corpses and opened her own temple. Smartest move she ever made.

How to Stop Bein’ a Burden

If yer party’s got a healer, cherish ‘em. If they don’t, be one.
But more importantly, learn to not need one every five minutes.

Plan yer moves.
Take cover.
Drink a potion before ye’re down to one hit point.
Remember that defense is a stat too, not just offense’s ugly cousin.

And if ye truly want to impress yer cleric, help ‘em shine. Set up their spells, guard their flank, and make their support worth it.

👉 Ye’ll find good lessons on teamwork in The Strongest Character at the Table Is the One Who Listens, and a bit o’ humility in Loot Don’t Mean Leadership, Ya Gold-Grabbin’ Pebble-Counter.

Smart Play Keeps Everyone Breathin’

The truth is simple, lad. If yer cleric’s always exhausted, yer party’s playin’ wrong.
The best groups are the ones where the healer gets to choose who to save, not panic every round.

So before ye charge, duck, or “test that suspicious lever,” ask yerself one thing:
Would yer healer thank ye for this, or curse yer name into the dirt?

If it’s the latter… sit yer backside down.

And to all the clerics out there: stop coverin’ for fools who won’t learn. Let one or two drop — it’s the fastest form o’ education there is.

👉 Read more from the grumpy dwarf himself over at About Mike’s Tavern, or leave yer apologies for healer abuse at the Contact Page. I’ll post the best ones by the bar.