By Margann’s crusty beard, if I have to watch one more adventurer spend half the session diggin’ through a cart full o’ nonsense while the goblins politely wait, I’m gonna start collectin’ skulls instead o’ coins.

“Hold on, Mike,” they say, “I know I’ve got rope in here somewhere.”
Five minutes later they’re haulin’ out seven half-used torches, two broken swords, a dead rat they called a pet, and seventeen types o’ cheese. And no rope.

Listen, lad — yer inventory ain’t a museum, and it sure as stone ain’t a bloody landfill. Packin’ smart ain’t just about organization — it’s survival.
I once lost a good ranger to bad inventory management. Got crushed under his own backpack. Ye think I’m jokin’? I ain’t.

The Rule of Adventurin’ Luggage

When yer gear list starts lookin’ like a dragon’s hoard, somethin’s gone wrong.
Ye only need three categories o’ stuff in that pack o’ yours:

What keeps ya breathin’. Weapons, armor, potions, food, water, bedroll. Anything else? Luxury.
What keeps ya fightin’. Arrows, spell components, backup daggers, a flask o’ dwarfshine for morale.
What keeps ya clever. Ropes, torches, chalk, and the one item ye always forget — a way to write things down, fool.

Everything else is weight. And weight kills.

If ye can’t remember what’s in yer bag without flippin’ through a scroll’s worth o’ inventory notes, ye’re not playin’ an adventurer — ye’re playin’ a hoarder.

👉 Check out Stop Forgettin’ What Yer Character Can Do if ye need a reminder that organization ain’t just for yer bag, it’s for yer brain too.

The Curse o’ the Loot Gremlin

Every table’s got one.
The Loot Gremlin.
That player who grabs everything not nailed to the dungeon floor — every rusty goblin dagger, every chipped cup, every unholy idol made of questionable materials.

“Ye never know when it’ll be useful,” they say.
Aye, and ye never know when the smell of moldy trinkets will give away yer position either.

The Loot Gremlin thinks they’re bein’ smart — resourceful, even. But what they’re really doin’ is boggin’ down the story. No one cares about yer seventh pair o’ boots, lad. No one. The GM weeps. The rogue yawns. The cleric’s already prayin’ for deliverance.

How to Pack Like a Professional Adventurer

A proper adventurer packs like a dwarf builds — deliberate, efficient, and without losin’ fingers.

Pick Yer Essentials and Stick to ‘Em.
If it doesn’t help ye live, fight, or think, ye don’t need it. Simple as that.
Keep a “Top Shelf.”
That’s the stuff ye can grab fast — potions, weapons, holy symbols. Not buried under a sack o’ onions.
Label Yer Scrolls.
Ain’t nothin’ funnier than watchin’ a wizard grab fireball when they meant feather fall.
Funny for the rest o’ us, anyway.
Sell or Donate the Rest.
Yer bag ain’t sentimental. Trade the junk for coin, favors, or ale. Trust me, lighter packs mean longer lives.
Stop Carryin’ 47 Daggers.
If yer DM gives ye a “dagger of destiny,” it ain’t ‘cause they want ye to dual-wield like a lunatic. Drop the butter knives.
Keep Notes.
I can’t stress this enough. A single scrap o’ parchment can save more campaigns than a bag of holding ever will.

The Tragedy of the Overpacker

I once had a lad named Rin — bright kid, quick hands, heart of a lion. Carried so much junk ye could hear him comin’ three corridors away. We told him, “Drop the gear, Rin.” He said, “It’s all useful, Mike!”
Then he fell off a bridge.

We could’ve saved him. But his pack weighed as much as a troll. Straight to the depths he went, bless his overprepared soul.

Moral o’ the story: clutter kills, lad. And the heavier yer load, the harder it is for the healer to drag yer carcass out after.

👉 Learn some self-restraint at Tavern Etiquette.

Pack Smarter, Live Longer

Every item in yer bag should tell a story. That dented shield? Saved yer life once. That single torch? Might do it again. But if half yer pack’s filled with trinkets and trash, ye ain’t tellin’ stories — ye’re tellin’ excuses.

So take it from an old dwarf who’s buried more fools than barrels of ale: travel light, think ahead, and for the love of Brunlin’s missing eyebrow — throw away that broken crossbow, lad. Ye ain’t fixin’ it.

👉 Find more lessons from me years o’ adventurin’ at About Mike’s Tavern, or drop by the Contact Page to confess yer sins of overpackin’. I’ll listen. Then I’ll mock ye.

FAQ

Q: But what if my GM gives me lots of loot?
A: Then be selective, fool. Ye ain’t required to carry every shiny thing ye find. That’s why towns have shops.

Q: Isn’t hoardin’ part of the fun?
A: Sure, if ye want to play “Inventory Manager: The Tabletop Edition.” Otherwise, no.

Q: What if I forget somethin’ important?
A: Then ye’ll remember next time. Failure teaches faster than lectures — and I’m givin’ ye both.