“JUST FLANK THE DAMN OGRE!” Combat Smarts for the Thick-Skulled
There are moments in me long, miserable career as a dungeon-dweller where I ask meself, “Why do I even bother?”
Usually, that moment comes right after some bright-eyed fool charges face-first into an ogre — alone — while the rest o’ the table politely watches him get turned into beard paste.
Listen, lad. I’ve fought ogres. I’ve fought worse. I’ve fought hangovers deadlier than some o’ yer campaigns. And I can tell ye one truth that’ll outlive any rulebook:
TEAMWORK WINS FIGHTS.
Yet every table has at least one goblin-brained brawler who thinks strategy is just a fancy word for “I hit it again.” And when I tell ‘em to flank, coordinate, or wait for the bloody signal, what do they do?
They nod. Smile. Then charge anyway.
So today, we’re learnin’ how not to die a heroic idiot.
The Lesson They Never Teach Ya at Hero School
Combat ain’t about damage numbers or who’s got the biggest sword. It’s about control. Tempo. Positionin’.
If yer fightin’ like a barbarian with his brain pickled in ale, ye ain’t fightin’ — ye’re feedin’ the monsters.
Flankin’, coverin’, and thinkin’ are how legends are made.
Ye ever notice how the smartest parties make battles look easy? That’s not luck. That’s coordination.
That’s the fighter waitin’ for the rogue’s cue.
That’s the cleric savin’ heals for when it matters.
That’s the wizard not fireballin’ his own team for the fifth time in a row.
But no — every week, some daft adventurer thinks they’re a one-dwarf army. Which leads me to the part o’ the sermon I’ve been holdin’ back…
JUST FLANK THE DAMN OGRE, YE ALE-SPILLIN’, HAMMER-DROPPIN’, TUNNEL-LOST, TORCH-SNUFFIN’ FOOL!!
Sorry. Lost me temper there. But by Grabgar’s hammer, it felt good.
How To Stop Fightin’ Like a Fool
Flank, Don’t Fumble.
When ye and a friend stand on opposite sides of the enemy, ye both hit harder. Why? Because physics, lad. Even monsters have blind spots. Use ‘em.Protect the Squishies.
Yer wizard’s wearin’ robes thinner than elf excuses. Keep enemies off ‘em. The second they fall, yer damage output drops like a rock in the Underdark.Use the Terrain.
High ground, chokepoints, cover — all them fancy words yer GM throws at ye? They’re there for a reason. If ye ignore ‘em, might as well hand yer enemy a map to yer grave.Communicate.
Shoutin’ “I attack!” ain’t strategy. Shoutin’ “I’ll draw its attention while ye stab its kidneys!” is. Talk like a team, not a pack o’ feral goats.Don’t Waste the Cleric.
They ain’t yer personal heal dispenser. A good cleric’s got better things to do than patchin’ up yer bad decisions.
Ye do these five things, and suddenly ye’ll feel like geniuses. Ye’ll win fights faster, waste fewer spells, and maybe — maybe — I’ll stop screamin’ into me ale every time someone forgets how flanking works.
The Table That Fights Together, Survives Together
Here’s the thing. D&D, Pathfinder, all of it — they’re games about groups.
Yer actions matter less than the rhythm ye build with yer tablemates.
Ye’re not tryin’ to outshine ‘em. Yer tryin’ to outlast the damn dungeon.
So next time yer party’s facin’ a troll, a dragon, or a pile o’ angry skeletons, don’t think “what’s my move?” Think “what’s our move?”
That’s what separates the dead from the drinkers.
👉 Learn to be a better teammate in Tavern Etiquette, or see how real coordination looks in The Paladin Who Can’t Lie but Carries a Shield That Does.
When Yer Party Forgets All This (And It Will)
Ye can teach ‘em. Ye can remind ‘em. Ye can even draw diagrams on the table. But sometimes, there’s nothin’ left to do but watch the chaos unfold. When that happens, do this:
Save One, Mock the Rest. Help the poor fool who’s worth savin’, then roast the others ‘til they learn.
Debrief After Battle. A quick “next time, let’s do X” after the fight saves ye from the same mistake later.
Reward Brilliance. If someone does flank, time it right, or combo an ability smartly — celebrate it! Positive reinforcement, lad. It ain’t just for trained owlbears.
Let the Dice Speak. If someone charges ahead and dies, don’t save ‘em every time. Consequences are the greatest teacher of all.
And if the same fool keeps ruinin’ fights over and over?
Let the ogre teach ‘em the lesson personally.
If Ya Want Glory, Earn It Together
By Harnak’s shattered pickaxe, I’ve seen parties do miracles when they finally stop playin’ like toddlers at a sword fair.
When every swing, spell, and shout lines up just right — that’s when tabletop feels like poetry.
That’s when ya feel the tavern roar, the dice shake, and the whole story come alive.
So aye, be bold. Be brave. But don’t be a bloody fool.
Now get out there and JUST FLANK THE DAMN OGRE, YA STONE-HEADED HEROES-IN-TRAININ’!
👉 Read more survival wisdom in Stop Forgettin’ What Yer Character Can Do or If It Feels Like Work, Yer Doin’ It Wrong.
And if ye want more of me rants, visit About Mike’s Tavern or leave yer tactical complaints at the Contact Page. I’ll read ‘em between pints.
FAQ
Q: What if flanking isn’t in our ruleset?
A: Then use yer brain instead. Create crossfire, surround, use teamwork — the rules don’t matter as much as the habit.
Q: My team never listens. What do I do?
A: Become the leader they need, not the loudmouth they ignore. Shoutin’ helps. But so does showin’ results.
Q: Isn’t charging in heroic?
A: Heroic’s dyin’ for the team, not dyin’ before they arrive. There’s a difference, lad. Learn it.
